


Gone Forever (Remastered)

by Nayru



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Blood, Drunk Sex, Friendship, Humor, M/M, Mind Games, Plot, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rough Sex, Sexual Content, Slow Romance, Swearing, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-14 18:28:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3421043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nayru/pseuds/Nayru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Like hell he knew what he was trying to get himself into. The moment Allen entered the room and saw what state Kanda was actually in, he figured God had left him for even getting the sole idea of doing this.</p>
<p>(Posted on ff.net in years 2008-2011. The version here, on AO3, is an updated, slightly re-written version.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wake up!

**Author's Note:**

> Originally, this story was started to be written and updated on ff.net in years 2008-2011. After a total of 24 chapters, it ended up being discontinued, and it's been 3,5 years since then. Despite forgetting a lot of things about the series and falling for other fandoms in the meantime, I figured it was a pity that this story didn't get the proper ending it deserved, and I decided I wanted to pick it up again, hoping I won't do it more harm than good at this point. I still get reviews with people asking me about it nowadays, and that's what motivated me the most in my decision.
> 
> This will be a slightly re-edited version of the story (with possible typos, tense, grammar and construction errors fixed) that's already posted on ff.net. I figured that since I'm already re-reading the whole thing, I might as well try and fix things that I didn't notice all those years back, but notice (and cringe) now. I'm going to post a new chapter with every re-read of my own, so if there's anyone here that already knows the story but would like a slow-paced reminder, feel free to join me. If you’re new but interested, ff.net is probably the better place to look, since it already has all the content. The speed of the updates here will depend mostly on my motivation and free time, so I imagine they will be pretty random. If anything, sorry for being slow. But, once we finally make it all the way to the 24th chapter again, I'll try to work on the continuation.
> 
> I need to admit, though... Wow, looking back at the whole thing now, while trying to come up with tags for this fic... My mind sure was a messed up and dark place, those couple of years back. 8D; I get so much secondhand embarrassment from reading the smut scenes, especially, let me tell you that. I'd have done a lot of things differently now, but... oh, well.
> 
> I'm not sure if this story should be considered Exlicit or Mature, but I'm going to roll with the former, just to stay on the safe side. It has a bunch of messed up themes along the way, after all.

††††

“I will do it.”

The lingering silence was suddenly interrupted by a voice. Komui thought that everybody had already left the room, but that didn't seem to be entirely the case. He was lost so deep in his thoughts, however, that he hadn't noticed anyone saying anything at all. Not at first.

“...Huh?” The tall man looked questioningly in the direction of the sound's source, comprehension slightly off at the moment.

“I said I'll be the one to do it.” Allen repeated with a straight face. His eyes were focused on the person in front of him, and one could tell the boy was as serious about this as serious a man could be. “Or would you rather let Lenalee in there, after all?” He then asked, not really expecting an answer. They both knew what he was trying to get at.

Lenalee, Lavi - hell, it could be anyone, in all honesty - Allen was just trying to make a point. And the girl was used as an example for a reason. The white-haired Exorcist knew exactly which buttons to push right now, having no intention of holding back.

Well, his dark side was getting the better of him sometimes.

“Besides... It will be less of a problem if it's a guy, right?” He added, trying to sound as convenient as possible. “And we're short on time. You said it yourself.”

Just convince the supervisor, that was the main goal. Allen probably wasn't aware that he was also trying to convince himself alone in the process.

Komui could only blink, attempting to understand the boy's way of reasoning. He did have a point about the woman part, true... But, what the hell was he saying? This was a serious matter, and someone his age—

“Allen-kun, I can't let you do that—”

“—Kanda hates me anyway,” The Exorcist cut him off, words of protest unacceptable. “...I have nothing to lose, really.”

The taller man just stared at him, his expression far from pleased. More than anything, Komui seemed simply worried.

After a moment, he closed his eyes, bringing his hand to scratch at his head, sighing deeply in defeat.

“...You know what you're trying to get yourself into, don't you?” He finally asked, already well aware that Allen wouldn't accept 'no' for an answer.

††††

“W-What do you mean?” Lenalee asked, worry apparent in her voice.

“Exactly what I said.” Komui answered calmly, continuing his speech.

He asked only a few chosen people to come to the meeting room, concluding it would be better this way rather than making one big commotion out of their current problem.

General Froi Tiedoll, General Cross Marian, Noise Marie, Allen Walker and Lenalee Lee. Arystar Krory would also get an invitation, if it weren't for the fact that he still lay unconscious in the infirmary's bed.

“I'll explain everything one more time. As simply as I can.”

Everyone turned to ears again, any kind of questions they wished to ask saved for later.

“Following Lenalee's steps, both Miranda Lotto and Kanda Yuu attempted to make their Innocence evolve into a crystallization type anti-Akuma weapon,” Komui explained. “In Miranda's case, the process failed, and she hardly got away with her life. Thankfully, her condition managed to stabilize till now, and she's not in danger anymore.” 

There was a short pause. 

“In Kanda's case, however, things went a bit different. When Hevlaska placed the Innocence inside of his body, it started to react to it in a strange way and show symptoms we aren't able to define yet. Among few other things, Kanda's lust factor - let's call it - increased drastically, and as if things weren't bad enough, he went totally berserk. The Innocence is still in connection with him, and as long as Kanda's body doesn't either synchronize or reject it, he'll probably stay that way until the factor stabilizes or he dies.”

The whole room fell silent. Komui coughed, clearing his throat.

“What I mean to say is—”

“We need someone who'd be willing to sleep with him, is that it?” Cross interrupted bluntly, a slight smirk apparent on his face.

Everyone turned their heads in the General's direction. Lenalee started to blush.

Marian couldn't help letting out a laugh. “This is so messed up it's almost funny.”

“Master!” Allen snapped, apparently irritated with his teacher's behavior.

“Now, now...” Tiedoll joined, trying to calm things down. “This is no laughing matter, unfortunately. Yuu might die if we don't do anything, if I understood correctly?”

Komui simply nodded. “Exactly.” And then, his face expression changed, to that kind of face he always carried when he talked about his 'brilliant' inventions. Such as Komurin.

Putting one of his feet on the table, his eyes flashed. “We are in need of... _A WOMAN!”_

Lenalee shrieked, blushing even more.

“Wha−? Ah, no! No, no, _no!_ ” The supervisor ran to his sister, throwing his arms around her and hugging her tightly. “I didn't mean it that way, Lenalee!!” Waterfalls of tears started to fall down his face. “I'd never let you do such a thing!! How can you even think that?!” He let out a horrid whine. ...Yes, he was starting to act like an idiot.

“Ha... Ha...” Allen's eyebrow was twitching. His eyes were suddenly covered by a shadow, lips twisted into a goofy smile, and there were two strands of hair standing up on his head.

††††

“...So, if anyone were to get any ideas or found a solution of some sort, you know where to find me. We confined Kanda in a room, so that he wouldn't run away anywhere.” Komui stated after everything finally managed to calm down. “Just remember that the clock is ticking. We don't know how long this can last,” he added, when everyone turned to stand up. “...And if possible, I would ask you to keep this down. Unnecessary commotion will only bring us trouble.”

With that, the meeting was over. Everyone turned to leave the room. Well, _almost_ everyone.

††††

Like _hell_ he knew what he was trying to get himself into.

The moment Allen entered the room and saw what state Kanda was actually in, he figured God had left him for even getting the sole idea of doing this. 

Not to mention the dark-haired man would probably kill him for this after everything was over.

Assuming he wouldn't kill him in the process first, that is.

Did Komui mention something about Kanda going berserk? Screw that - Allen could swear the guy looked as if some kind of demon possessed him. Worse, even. Akuma were small fry compared to this one. And the fact that all this was the Innocence's doing... somewhat terrified him.

Just— _What the fuck._

“Um... Hello there, Kanda...” The boy tried to greet the other with a smile, but he didn't feel like smiling at the moment at all. The only response he got was something similar to a growl and some other hardly comprehensible sounds. God bless anyone who thought ahead and tied the bastard up - that was the only thought of relief Allen had. He didn't even want to think how things would end, were Kanda on the loose right now.

Well, they had to get to the hard part somehow. With ' _how'_ being a very good question.

Truth to be told, anyone would have an idea of how such things worked after spending whole four years by Cross' side. Maybe Allen was still young, but the things he's heard or seen while he was in all of those brothels during their small adventures would probably leave a greater handful of adults in awe.

Then again, theory and experience were also two completely different things...

Still keeping his distance, the white-haired boy waved his hand in front of the other's face, trying to see Kanda's reaction.

“...You don't get a word I say now, do you?” Allen asked, slight disappointment present in his voice.

He figured the " _...grawh!_ " was supposed to be a ' _no'._

††††

“...What's this?” Allen asked his supervisor, curiously looking at the bottle that's been handed to him.

“It's a lubricant.”

“Lubricant...?” The boy repeated, not quite getting the point yet. “ _...Oh._ ”

“You'll need it to—”  


“—I know, I know!!” The white-haired screamed as if his life depended on it, blushing furiously. “Y-You don't have to say it out loud...” He mumbled under his nose, trying to get a hold of himself.

Could he go now? Great.

“Allen-kun.” 

Well, apparently Komui wasn't done with him yet. 

“Before you go, I'd still like to speak with you first.”

The boy stopped in his tracks and turned around, giving his supervisor a slightly confused look. “Um... Sure?”

††††

Allen stared at Kanda, then his gaze traveled to the bottle in his hand, then back to Kanda again. He sighed.

“Listen... I'm going to free you now.” Allen reached for the other's arm, gripping on the ties that were around it. He wasn't sure if this was the most appropriate thing to do in the first place, but he had to start somewhere.

To his surprise, Kanda seemed to calm down a bit after he made the move.

_Well, here goes nothing..._

When Allen was done with putting Kanda free, he was aware of one thing.

This was a very, _very_ bad idea.

For a moment there, he had no idea what was actually going on.

Stars. He could swear he's seen stars in front of his very eyes. And the thing he'd hit his head against was most likely the floor. When some sense came back to him, he noticed something else. Three things, to be exact.

First of all, the sudden, sharp pain in his neck. Apparently, Kanda had dug his teeth deep in the boy's flesh. What the hell? Was he playing the vampire now?

Second, the bottle he's been holding seconds ago wasn't in his hand anymore. It probably fell somewhere from the impact.

And, third, he could feel the dark-haired man's... erection. Pressing against him. Which, in turn, made Allen blush like crazy.

“K-Kanda!” The boy shuddered, sudden panic getting to him. “W-Wait... That's not how you're supposed to...” He brought his hands to Kanda's chest, intending to push him off somehow, but apparently the dark-haired man wasn't happy about the idea.

One swift move, and Allen's hands were being forcefully pinned to the ground. Struggling only seemed to make the other man more aggressive.

“You _idiot!_ Get a hold of yourself!!”

No matter how pointless this seemed to be, the white-haired Exorcist had no intention of giving up that easily. He was going to try and push his luck as far as it went, hoping to talk any bit of sense into the other man. Maybe he acted like some kind of wicked monster right now, but he was still the ally he knew somewhere deep inside there, wasn't he?

“Why did the Innocence reject you?” Allen asked, trying to ignore everything else. “Was your resolve not strong enough? Weren't you—”

Suddenly, Kanda's hand shifted to the boy's waist, putting one of his hands free. Allen wasn't sure what the motive behind that was, but he could feel nails digging into his skin now and it was far from a pleasant feeling.

Then the younger boy's eyes widened, as he realized something “...Or are you the one who rejected the Innocence?” Allen asked in a shaky voice, recalling Suman's case.

No, it couldn't be. Kanda couldn't have became a Fallen One, right? Impossible. Surely Komui would have mentioned something about it if it were the case.

Then again, the berserk thing would make sense... But...

“No, that's not the case, is it?” Allen insisted, wanting to hear an answer. “The Kanda I know wouldn't even think about such a thing!” No matter how he looked at it, he couldn't even imagine Kanda betraying the Order. It was the last thing he'd do. “Come on! Say someth−!”

He stopped as the pain around his neck decreased all of a sudden. And for a moment there, Allen wondered if he actually managed to break the barrier and get through to the other man. But then, the sharp pain came back after a second or two, even more impacting than before. And something inside of him just snapped.

" _Gah...!_ Kanda−! _What the hell?!_ "

It seemed like trying to do this the easy way was a fight for a lost cause, after all.

Activating his Innocence, the white-haired Exorcist managed to set himself free, not really intending to ram Kanda against the wall in the process. Standing up, he brought his right hand to his neck, confirming that blood was indeed running from the inflicted bite-wounds.

But one more second of inattention, and Allen was the one being tossed against the wall this time, as Kanda mercilessly made his way back to the boy's neck.

" _Ghh...!_ Goddammit, Kanda... Is biting people some kind of fetish of yours or what?"

††††

They kept struggling with each other for a while more, and Allen couldn't really recall when it came to the point where everything became more of a fierce battle than a mere struggle.

Holding Kanda by the collar of his black turtleneck, the boy suddenly stopped himself from placing another blow, realizing what the hell he's just been doing. He wasn't here to beat the living shit out of his fellow Exorcist. He was here because he, himself, decided to help Kanda, and both Allen and Komui knew what way he was supposed to help him in. Nobody forced him to come here and do this. It was his decision alone. And now he was trying to back away?

Still not letting go of the other's cloth, Allen clenched his teeth, breathing out loud.

“Get on the bed.” The voice that left him was firm and filled with anger. “You could at least _try_ being a bit more gentle, you know.”

††††

The time in which Kanda seemed to be left stunned from the hits was up earlier than Allen expected it to be. Nevertheless, he managed to take care of a few things during it. Such as find the lubricant, get himself undressed... Or get Kanda undressed.

They were both on the bed and Allen was starting to get nervous.

When the long-haired man came to himself, he didn't waste his time in approaching the boy again. Allen didn't resist this time, letting Kanda press him against the mattress. He yelped when their naked bodies met, then stiffened and held his breath for a while, trying to get used to the new sensation of skin pressing against skin. He could feel his face warm up.

Surprisingly, Kanda didn't bite him this time.

“L-Listen... This thing here...” Allen started, feeling awkward for even trying to explain such a thing in the first place. As if Kanda could hear him, anyway.

And it seemed like the older man had no intention of listening, as he pressed the boy's hand abruptly down to the bed, causing him to let go of the bottle he was holding yet again.

“...Why do I even bother,” the white-haired murmured, more to himself than to anyone else. A sigh escaped Allen's lips as he brought his free hand to his forehead, then looked at Kanda with half-lidded eyes, noticing that the other man was starting to get impatient.

For some weird reason Allen wanted to smile. However, he was too nervous to do so.

If Kanda were able to comprehend anything right now, he'd probably see one of the most lifeless face expressions the boy ever managed to give anyone before.

Suddenly, Allen started to wonder whether this was really the right thing to do. Then again, if this would make Kanda return back to normal, he was positive he wouldn't regret it. He failed to save Suman, and he wouldn't forgive himself if he weren't able to help another one of his comrades.

But then came the question of what would Kanda think about all this after everything was over? Would he remember anything at all? Somehow, Allen couldn't picture him to be happy or thankful about the fact, not in the slightest... Rather quite the opposite.

_...He's going to kill me for this, isn’t he?_

The feeling of Kanda's lips on his neck made Allen come back to reality. He tensed, awaiting another bite, but to his surprise, nothing of the sort came. He let out a short yelp as the other man's tongue started making its way to the earlier-inflicted wounds.

“...Kanda?” The boy called the other's name, confused. He was slightly taken aback by the sudden... gentleness. But then, Allen suddenly felt Kanda's hand on his inner thigh and it made him tense up again. An even bigger blush made its way to his face when his legs were being spread apart. 

He inhaled, deeply.

“Just... Easy...” The white-haired Exorcist whispered in a shaky voice, swallowing nervously. And when his gaze traveled to the ceiling, he couldn't help but wonder...

Has Kanda ever done this before?

††††

“Allen-kun, are you still a virgin?”

Allen almost choked on his coffee, coughing desperately. Did Komui drag him to his office just to ask him _this?!_

He looked at his supervisor with a goofy expression, blushing slightly.

“Come on, don't be shy.” Komui gave him a reassuring smile. “You've spent four years by Generall Cross' side. Both you and I know what kind of a person he is. I'd understand.” Allen's eyes widened at the words. “He dragged you to all kinds of places—”

“No.” The boy cut him off, voice dead serious. “My Master might be a pervert, but he'd never touch me.”

Komui blinked, slightly surprised from the sudden change in attitude on Allen's side. “That's not what I was trying to...”

“I've never slept with anyone before,” Allen finally answered, averting his gaze to the floor.

Silence fell between the two. Komui let out a deep sigh, feeling both relieved and worried at the same time.

“What is Kanda to you?” The older man asked, bringing the other's attention back to him again.

“...What he is to me?” Allen repeated, a bit puzzled.

“Are you attracted to him in any way?”

“Oh...” The white-haired boy was seriously starting to worry what Komui wanted to get at with all those weird questions. “No, it's not that...” He replied, turning to look at the mug of coffee he was holding. “Even if Kanda doesn't see me as a friend, he's an important comrade to me. If there's a way to help him, then I won't hesitate to use it.” He paused for a moment, frowning. “...I don't want to see a friend die before my eyes ever again.”

Komui stared at the boy before him. “...You're aware that this might have an influence on your relationship?”

“Other than making Kanda hate me more than he already does?” Allen shrugged. “I doubt it.”

“What about you?”

“...Me?”

“Can you tell you'll be able to look at Kanda the same way after spending the night with him?”

“...Why are you asking me all this?” The boy frowned.

“Allen-kun!” The taller man's voice rose, demanding an answer.

“It doesn't matter, dammit!” The white-haired Exorcist snapped. “As long as Kanda doesn't kill me afterward, I'll live with it.”

Komui fell silent for a while. “You've been through a lot lately...” He eventually continued, his voice calm again. “I'm simply worried about you.”

“...Yeah, sorry.” The boy let out a sigh, getting a hold of himself. “I'll be fine.”

After a moment, Komui stood up from his desk. “I'm going to talk with the higher-ups. I hope I'll be able to get that surveillance of yours suspended. At least for a few days.”

The Exorcist looked at his supervisor, surprised. Then his face expression softened and a small smile appeared on his lips. “Komui-san...”

††††

The first thrust was clumsy and shallow, and the feeling wasn't quite what Allen imagined it to feel like. Awkward and uncomfortable, foremost. But then, the next was deeper, and he found himself hissing at the sudden pain that flashed throughout his body.

Kanda was inside of him. And the sole thought was enough to make Allen feel embarrassed beyond comprehension.

It hurt. Well, it wasn't so painful when they were still. The problem arose when Kanda started moving, making his insides burn from the friction.

Allen would do well to remember that giving up on the lubricant was a big _no-no._

The white-haired boy's eyes shot open wide with a hiss, as the other thrust inside of him with more force, not even giving him proper time to adjust.

“Kanda... St—” He couldn’t help but hiss again. “W-Wait—!” Allen reached to embrace the man around the neck, clenching on it as firmly as he could manage, attempting to immobilize his partner somehow.

“S-Slow down a bit—will you—?!” But the more he tried to oppose, the more he was starting to think that nothing he did made much of a difference.

The boy cursed under his breath and closed his eyes, trying to get used to the sensation somehow. Which was far from an easy task so far.

“Oh, God... K-Kanda...” The pain was just too intense, and Allen could only hope that their small adventure would end soon enough.

††††

The boy's eyes shot wide open as he abruptly got into a sitting position.

He was… on a bed. 

In his room?

 _What..._ Was it all a dream?

He yelped. One more move was enough to convince him that it wasn't. The unpleasant pain in the lower part of his body told him more than he needed to know. 

He was completely sore.

The boy took a look at the window, noticing that it was already morning outside. Considering the state he was in, however, getting up just yet was probably a bad idea.

Nevertheless, Allen mustered up the strength to at least drag himself into the bathroom.

††††

_Fifteen nail-scratches, six bite-marks, a hell lot of bruises and an abused behind... Could've been worse, I guess?_ The boy vaguely thought to himself, as he returned to his room, having every intention to just go back to bed.

Did Komui bring him here? He couldn't quite recall everything from earlier... He must've lost consciousness at some point. Well, maybe he should be happy about the fact, considering...

Wrapping himself in his blanket, Allen figured he needed some rest for now. From what he's seen in the mirror a few minutes ago, he didn't look too good. And seeing that weirdo standing behind him on the other side of the mirror, yet again, hardly helped in making his mood any better.

He wanted to sleep.

However, minutes passed and somehow he couldn't bring himself to rest. His thoughts were constantly traveling back to Kanda.

He hoped that his efforts didn't go to waste and Kanda was alright now, but...

Truth to be told, Allen felt... uneasy. Now that it came down to it, he had no idea what he would do or say to the other man, the moment they met again.

The boy could swear his heart almost jumped to his throat when the sudden sound of footsteps from somewhere outside of the room reached his ears. He tried to tell himself and hope it was anyone, _anyone_ but Kanda.

No knock came before the door suddenly flew open, then closed right after with a loud _’wham'._

Allen shifted on his bed, slowly, turning in the direction of the person who just entered, trying to hide his nervousness.

To his utter horror, it was indeed a very angry-looking Kanda.

“...What the _fuck_ were you _thinking?!_ ”

_Oh, boy... Here goes nothing._

A great way to start a day, indeed.

††††


	2. Spare me the details

††††

Allen was clueless. He had no idea if it was better for him to get out of bed and run for his life − or rather, _try to_ − anywhere far, far away, or just drop dead on the spot. He could swear he's never seen Kanda _this_ angry before. Even that time when the dark-haired man tried to threaten everyone on the Ark wasn't _this_ bad. Then again, _this_ and _that_ were completely different things, and Allen tried to tell himself that it needed to come to this meeting sooner or later. He should have been aware of the fact the moment he made his decision earlier.

Hesitantly, the white-haired boy shifted into a sitting position on his bed, keeping his gaze rooted to his visitor the whole time. He had this weird feeling that something bad would happen if he tried to look away.

Kanda was trembling − with fury, most likely − but he just stood there beside the door, throwing daggers at him, apparently waiting for Allen to say something − anything − maybe give a proper answer to his question.

What was he thinking? The boy wasn't sure himself anymore. The moment Kanda entered the room, his mind went totally blank. His voice died in his throat and he had no idea what to say; how to start this − and the silence was killing him. The only thing he was aware of, were the frequent beats of his racing heart.

“...So you remember?” Allen finally brought himself to ask, not sure if that even sounded like a question or a statement.

“I _don't!_ That's the fucking problem!” Kanda roared.

The white-haired boy could feel himself tensing up when the other Exorcist started to go further into the room, thus approaching him.

...Did he say something wrong? Was this the end?

But then, the older man stopped in his tracks.

“Komui told me...” To Allen's surprise, the other's voice sounded a bit more calm now. Well, maybe not calm. More like... uncertain. Kanda looked as if he was hoping all of this was some kind of sick joke, and Komui was just trying to make fun of him, or whatever. And that the boy before him could prove him right.

“...W-What did he tell you?” Allen stammered, trying so smile for once. His smile disappeared immediately after a second or two, when he figured that Kanda wasn't fond of the idea of answering that question in the slightest.

Then the dark-haired man took a glimpse of Allen's exposed neck, and it seemed to confuse and piss him off even more.

Closing his eyes, Kanda let out an irritated growl, abruptly shifting to sit on the floor, with his back pressed against the side of the bed.

“...I can't believe you!” He hissed, bringing his hand to his forehead, leaning his elbow on his knee. “Who even gave you the stupid _idea_...”

Allen blinked, slightly taken aback from the sudden turn of events. Maybe he could get out of this in one piece, after all?

“...Are you alright now?” He asked, averting his gaze to his lap.

“No, I'm _not_ alright!” Kanda roared again. "...I feel like some kind of fucking pedophile!" The younger boy wasn't imagining things when he saw the other shoving a hand into his own face. "... _Jesus._ "

Allen wasn’t sure what to make of that. Somehow, he was surprised that age seemed to be the thing Kanda was worried the most about right now. He even found that somewhat amusing. “...I'm almost sixteen, Kanda.”

“ _Still_ sixteen.” The other corrected in an annoyed tone.

“You're not that much older yourself, you know.” The boy backfired, starting to feel slightly more relieved.

“...Whatever.” Kanda grunted. “It still makes a difference.”

“I was even able to get a critical before you did.” Allen sticked his tongue out at the other man.

And it was obviously a bad move, as the dark-haired Exorcist turned to look at him with a look that could kill. “What the hell does _that_ have to do with anything?”

Things were slowly getting back at the right track, Allen figured. He was used to fighting with Kanda like this, it made him relax more. At least this was something he could deal with.

“Age doesn't matter. See?”

“Right.” The other answered in an sarcastic tone. “Of course it doesn't. Now just try and tell me you've been sexually active way before.”

Allen frowned at the remark. Okay, maybe getting over this conversation wouldn't be that easy, after all. What was Kanda's problem, anyway? Why was he making such a big deal out of this? He didn't seem to care about anything else before.

Well, it was sink or swim, Allen figured. He knew he'd die from embarrassment during this conversation anyway, so he might as well take it all out.

“Who knows?” He gave a light shrug. “Maybe I'm not as innocent as you picture me to be.”

Kanda raised an eyebrow at that. “Are you kidding me?”

“What? Are you mad I was the one who took your _innocence_ away?” The boy asked in a sarcastic tone, blushing a little.

...Oh boy, he was starting to play with fire right now, and he knew it.

Next thing Allen knew, he was being hit in the face. Bringing his hand to his mouth, he tried to stop the sudden nosebleed.

Wrong button to push.

“What the fuck are you trying to pull?!” Kanda was furious again. “Are you trying to make fun of me?! Don't give me that shit!”

“...Sorry.” Allen started to feel ashamed of himself. He had no idea what came over him.

Wiping his face in his blanket, he got it dirty all over. But somehow he couldn't find himself to care about it right now.

The dark-haired man clenched his fists, getting a hold of himself. “...don't...” He tried to say something, but didn't bring himself to finish. He took a seat again, on the edge of the bed, this time. His gaze was rooted to the wall before him. “...I didn't think I'd hit you this hard.”

The younger Exorcist finally looked at his visitor, slightly taken aback from the words he just heard.

Was that Kanda's way of saying sorry?

“...It's okay.” Allen spoke in a reassuring tone. “I've been asking for it.”

The older man looked in the boy's direction, still frowning, but his face expression was a bit more gentle now.

“I know... I know you're mad at me... and probably freaked out from all of this...” The white-haired Exorcist started, trying to find the right words as he averted his gaze to his lap again. He figured he needed to face this topic head-on sooner or later, and that's probably what Kanda waited for all along. “But I... I don't know what I'm supposed to say to you.” He paused for a moment. “I wanted to help you, that's all...”

“I never asked for your help.” The other stated bluntly, apparently not too happy with Allen's confession.

“Well _duh_.” The boy looked up. “The state you were in, you could hardly ask for _anything_.”

The dark-haired man went silent at that, and Allen blinked, wondering if he said something wrong again.

And then it hit him.

Was... Was Kanda actually feeling guilty because of what happened? Was that what this was all about?

“Kanda, you...” The boy started, a bit uncertain.

“You know what, I'm sick of this.” The other interrupted him. “I'm sick of your stupidity, and I'm sick of the idea that you decided to go thought all that shit because of me.”

Kanda was angry, but there was also something else in his voice, and Allen couldn't quite grasp what it was. Either way, he became talkative all of a sudden, so the white-haired decided to turn to ears for now.

“And I'm even more sick of the fact that I don't remember a bloody thing.” The man continued, turning to look at the boy with an intense kind of look again. “I have no idea what you were actually thinking when you did that. Did it hurt you? Did you enjoy it? For all I know, maybe you actually wanted me to have sex with you?”

Allen was looking at the other man with wide eyes now, his face beat-red. Was Kanda for real? Did he really say that just now?

“...W-What are you even saying?” He stammered, completely taken aback from the sudden words.

“So, which is it?” The older man raised an eyebrow, seeing the other's wide blush.

Allen couldn't believe this. What was with him? This wasn't Kanda he was speaking with right now! What the hell?

“You idiot! I'm not...! It's not... like that...” He faltered, trying to find the right words. “...What's with you?!” And he was seriously starting to freak out here.

Kanda stared at him with a suspicious look for a while more, before he finally sighed and looked away, his frown returning to his face again. The other boy was just staring, dumbfounded, not knowing what else to say.

“...So, what do you want me to do?” The older man suddenly asked, irritated.

“Huh?” Allen blinked, not understanding.

“I'm also sick of the idea of staying in your debt.” The dark-haired continued. “Tell me how to make it up to you.”

Whoa, whoa, Kanda was really acting a bit out of character today, Allen couldn't help himself to note. The Japanese didn't have a debt problem with anything else before, so why now, all of a sudden?

“You don't have to pay me back with anything...” The boy answered in a soft voice. “I'm not awaiting anything in return, Kanda. The fact that I was able to help you is enough for me.”

“Che. You and your idealistic crap.” The other grunted. “Would you stop with it already? Tell me before I change my mind.”

††††

“You're finally awake.” Komui entered the room with a tray in hand, alerting Allen's nose with all kinds of nice smells. “I've brought you something to eat. Figured you'd be hungry. I asked Jerry to make the ones you like.”

There were all kinds of dishes on the tray, starting from sandwiches, potatoes, pasta and rice − followed by pancakes and dango − ending on all kinds of meat. The plates were even on top of one another, apparently for more to fit.

“Ah, Komui-san.” Allen sat up on the bed, smiling at his supervisor. “Thank you.”

“How are you feeling?” The taller man asked, approaching the boy. It didn't take long for him to notice the apparent blush on Allen's face.

“...Is everything alright?” He asked, slightly puzzled. “...Did you catch a fever?”

“Ah! N-No!” The white-haired flailed. “It's nothing!” Smiling nervously, he yanked the tray of food from the supervisor's hands and turned to his newly-arrived dinner.

“ _Itadakimasu!_ ”

“Did you talk with Kanda?” Komui asked after a moment.

And that made Allen stop in his attempts at eating. “...Yes. He was here.”

“He ran out of the room before I could finish explaining everything. I figured he'd come here.” The supervisor commented bluntly, smiling a little. “So, how did it go?”

“You can't imagine how angry he was...” Allen answered in a shaky voice, shivering at the thought. “But I guess we... came to a mutual agreement... somewhat.”

“Oh?” Komui looked intrigued. “Well, I'm glad to hear that.” And his smile widened even more. “You should have seen Kanda's face expression when I told him the truth! It was priceless.”

“Komui-san...?” Allen was a little lost. He was seriously starting to get worried. There was really something wrong with everyone lately.

††††

“Really... There isn't anything...” Allen insisted.

Kanda growled in irritation.

The white-haired smiled nervously, suddenly getting an idea. “...How about you start calling me by my name, for instance?”

“Che. That's too much to ask, Moyashi.” The other answered bluntly.

“Like _hell_ it is!” The boy complained. “Is 'Allen' _that_ hard to pronounce?” It made Kanda give him a death-glare, so he decided to let it go, mumbling something hardly comprehensible under his nose. “...Nevermind.”

“Think of something else.” The other insisted.

Allen grimaced and folded his arms, thinking. Silence engulfed the two one more time, but it didn't seem to make them so uncomfortable anymore. Well, it wasn't that intense for the white-haired, at least.

“God damn me for even suggesting this...” Kanda started suddenly, a bit uncertain, then paused for a moment. “...But how about we do this equally?”

The boy raised an eyebrow, puzzled. “Huh?”

“When you feel better...” The dark-haired man gritted his teeth and frowned, closing his eyes, and Allen wondered if he was just imagining things or did the other actually... blush right now? “...I'll let you have your way with me.”

...

_What did he just...? I...? We... Wait... What...? WHAT?!_

Allen stared at Kanda with wide eyes, totally dumbfounded, and he could only hear his mind screaming at him in ways he didn't even consider possible.

What the hell was _that_ supposed to mean?

...No, Kanda didn't say that just now. He must have been hearing things.

“...Stop freaking out on me, you idiot!” By the time the white-haired boy started to come back to reality, he could feel his face burning, and Kanda's was also as red as a tomato. “It was just a stupid suggestion!” The other yelled, irritation back on track once again.

Allen opened his mouth to try and say something, but his voice seemed to have died in his throat.

And Kanda obviously lost it. “...Jesus, forget it.”

In the blink of an eye, he was outside of the room, whamming the door behind him so loud that it almost made the white-haired boy jump in shock.

_What the...?_

††††

And here he was, lying in bed like some kind of idiot, looking at the tray of food that stood beside on the floor. Somehow, he couldn't bring himself to eat all of that, even though it wasn't even a one-tenth of what he normally used to have.

He felt sick.

Everything started to go wrong ever since they returned from the Ark. The moment Cross made him enter that bizarre room, something inside of him changed, and Allen felt so uneasy because of it, that it was driving him crazy sometimes.

He started to doubt Mana. He started to doubt himself. ...He started to doubt everyone.

Headquarters were supposed to start moving to another place, shortly. They needed his help in operating the Ark, and somehow Allen couldn't help but wonder if that wasn't the only reason the higher-ups still kept him here.

He really felt sick.

Komui managed to get his surveillance suspended for another week, but now that it came down to it, Allen wasn't even sure if he felt relieved because of that or not.

Being alone by himself scared him. Because he knew he wasn't alone, the paradox.

And now, Kanda...

He didn't know what to think anymore. He wasn't even sure if he understood it correctly.

...Was the dark-haired man really willing to sleep with him again, just to make it all up? ...Was he for real?

Allen found himself blushing when his imagination carried him a bit too far.

_...Screw this._ The boy stood up from the bed, ignoring the ache in his body. He needed some fresh air. He'd seriously loose it if he stayed here any longer.

††††

“They'll be moving soon.” A girl's voice echoed throughout the dark room.

“Just now?” A second voice joined in, a manly one. “They sure are taking their sweet time.”

“What did you expect? They lost over half of their men.”

“Well, it's a good time as any. This might be fun.”

“Enjoying yourself, like always. Eh, Tyki?”

“You know me.” The Noah gave a smirk, turning to the other person that was standing next to them. “Fancy to join me, Lu? I have this nice idea...”

††††

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, seriously, this story is so bad at the beginning, re-reading it makes me cringe on the inside. Those dialogues... xD;;; Fandom help me as I crawl to the 7th chapter, since I guess things start getting a little better from that point on...


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